so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
