HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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