I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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