I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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