I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so let's talk penis.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
