I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
