I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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