I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
