is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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