he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
