i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
