needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
