My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work