with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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