i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
