so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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