You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
