xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Princesses don't give blow jobs
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
