I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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