i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
