I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
