Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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