her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
