90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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