I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
