Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
