She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
