I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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