dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am naked and annoyed.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
