don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
