Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Come share oat with me in your robe
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
