youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
