Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
