I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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