I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
