two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
