I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
