Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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