just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
