id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
