I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
there was a trapeze. enough said
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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