I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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