i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
