Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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