I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard