i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Sober January is a disaster.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.