i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
