i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
