i permit you to call me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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