I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
