after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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