I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
