my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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