I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
