I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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