Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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